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Chariot January 2006 - Norm Wakefield

The Calling Out of Sons – Part 2  

     The room was filled to capacity with 800 men at a homeschool convention. When asked how many men had fathers who purposefully and meaningfully called them out into manhood, two hands went up. What is the significance of those results? It means that almost all of those men were probably still seeking their identity, had at least four destructive attitudes, and were experiencing serious spiritual consequences. The first destructive attitude is that young men think…

Life is to be happy and comfortable

     How does this happen? Because of our sin nature, all children are self-centered and desire self-comfort. However, without realizing it, mothers may actually feed those sinful attitudes in their love for their children. Moms by nature are nurturers. They like to make things comfortable. In fact, I would highly recommend wives read Virginia Fugate's book On the Other Side of the Garden. She suggests that mothers have a built-in emotional response to the needs of others. It's like they have little antennas, which detect a need quicker than anyone else. They know when their little boy is hurting, and it is difficult for them to deny comfort–except maybe for their husbands! You probably wonder why she's not that way with you, but is that way with the children. She probably considers you a man and not a little boy anymore!

     Virginia Fugate said it this way, "It is easier for a woman to give needless comfort than it is for her to deny her child's demands." Moms supply the loving touches, don't they? They get fulfilled in making life happy and comfortable for their children. This is fine for a son in the early years; but when the son hits the teen years, it's detrimental. If a mom has the dominant role in the son's life, he will develop a lifestyle of being lovingly touched, comforted, and cared for. That can be very, very destructive in the preparation of a son for manhood. If a mother's role is the dominant role during the teen years, the son will develop an attitude that life is to be happy and comfortable and will become self-centered.

     A mom naturally makes the children the center of her world. The children may expect everything to revolve around them. They may become self-centered because mom is caring for them all the time. They may become self-indulgent. For instance, my mom loves me and has always tried to please me with her cooking. As long as I can remember she labored to satisfy my tastes, fill my stomach, and make me happy. Fifty years hasn't changed anything! I'm not complaining, and I'm not suggesting she was wrong; nor am I suggesting that mothers need to change. As my mom took care of myself and my brothers, I'm fairly certain she wasn't thinking, "I'm going to indulge my sons as much as I can." There were always Pop Tarts in the cabinet, soft drinks in the fridge, and ice cream in the freezer.

     Without realizing it, a son can become comfort-oriented because mom makes his world comfortable. What is the problem with that kind of training all through the teen years? The problem is that life is not happy and comfortable. Do you struggle and get frustrated when things are not happy and comfortable? One man put it this way, "I noticed that every single thing I do has to do with whether I am happy or comfortable. It runs everything I do. I'm just now realizing it. It's comfort that I live for. And I get so frustrated, because life is not comfortable. To be a dad, to be a husband, to be a man of God is not comfortable. That is not what it is all about, and so I struggle so much."

     Life isn't happy and comfortable, and that's not what being a man is all about. Therefore if fathers don't call out sons into the hard things, the uncomfortable things, and the things that take courage and self-denial they may not be prepared for life. Young men must be taught in their early teens to live for a cause outside of themselves. They must learn to deny themselves for the sake of others. It is of tremendous help if they can see it exemplified in their fathers.

     Consider the ramifications of an entire generation of men who think life is to be happy and comfortable. How would that affect the church, the community, and the society? That generation of men would destroy everything around them–using it up for themselves. This is not God's ideal for manhood.

     Gordon Dalbey, author of The Healing of the Masculine Soul, says it is what our fathers didn't do to us that shaped our identities. If our fathers didn't call us out, then moms comforted us all through the teen years so that men look for a woman to mother them when they get older. This may be the source of deep problems in a marriage. How do you respond when things aren't going your way–when life isn't happy and comfortable?

Life comes from a woman

     If fathers don't call out their sons God's way, their sons may also develop an attitude rooted in sinful selfishness: women are to be used. If a son goes to his mom for comfort for eighteen years, it won't be long before an attitude becomes engrained in his mind: life comes from a woman. What do I mean by "life"? I mean happiness and comfort. The anti-christ culture feeds the idea further by suggesting through every media possible that a real man is one who conquers women, using them for his own benefit. If a son grows up using mom and expecting her to serve him, as a man, he seeks to marry a woman he can control and get to serve him. Even worse, he may not have marriage in mind at all!

     If fathers don't call out their sons, training occurs anyway. If a son grows up using mom to secure his happiness and his comfort, he is going to practice using a woman for selfish ends. Sin will deceive him into thinking that controlling a woman is what makes him a man.

     This attitude surfaces in many ways. For instance, have you sized up a man by the woman he's with? This may even happen in churches and should grieve us. How did that attitude get started? Steve Farrar quoted Samuel Osherson in Point Man. "If the father is not there to provide a confident, rich model of manhood, then the boy is left in a vulnerable position." That's true. Steve Farrar went on to say this: "In this generation there are too many crippled boys who have no idea what it is to be a man." A man's ego demands that he be a man. There's something inside of us that says, "I need to be a man. I've got to be a man. I'm going to be a man."

     Who knows what a man is when it comes to relating to women? The world sure doesn't! If a son thinks life comes from his ability to conquer and get a woman, he will be a sitting duck for pornography and immorality. Such an attitude gives a woman the potential to either validate his manhood or completely disqualify him. Her presence–or even a picture–raises this question, "Am I man enough to get that woman? Am I man enough to have her? There is a fear, and that fear drives men.

     Madison Avenue advertisers understand how to take advantage of men who haven't been called out and have a wrong notion about manhood. I remember a billboard with a picture of Cybil Shepherd in a Mercedes-Benz and two words, "Handle this." Which one? Cybil or the Mercedes? That is the whole point. They know that if they put a woman before men that's more than the average man has available to him, it is going to raise this question in his mind, "Am I man enough to get that woman?" Now it takes a society of men who have not been called out for this kind of advertising to work. The next thought implied is, "If I can get the Mercedes, maybe I can handle the Cybil Shepherds."

     The above attitude toward manhood and women certainly isn't an accurate portrayal of biblical manhood. God's men view women as gifts to be cherished, served, and protected rather than used for their own selfish, lustful purposes. Their attitude toward women is derived from Jesus' attitude toward His bride, the church (Ephesians 5). Such an attitude requires encouragement and practice if it is to be engrained in a man by the time he marries. It is the role of a father to call his son out of this world's idea of manhood into the biblical model through his own example and through the son's relationships with his mother, sisters, and other women.

Men are independent

     A third attitude about manhood may develop if a father doesn't have time and a vision for his son to be with him. If fathers think their identity as men primarily consists of being a provider, he probably won't communicate and demonstrate the importance of a man needing close relationships with his family and other men. Too often sons grow up with the idea manhood involves a separate life from family. They may also conclude that God has a very limited role in manhood if their fathers don't model before them a life of dependence, intimacy, and responsibility toward God. Add to those examples of independence the fact that a son may see men more often competing with each other rather than working together, and one can see how young men grow up with an independent spirit.

     As a pastor, one of the most difficult challenges in building up the family is ministering to the men who have no sense of unity with their brothers in the body of Christ. Events are planned to equip men to be spiritual leaders in their families, build meaningful and needed relationships with other men, and corporately impact their community and world for Christ. Men may have months of advance notice for such an important event in the building up of the body of Christ, but they'll make the decision about attending depending on the absence of something better or more fun. An independent spirit is one of the greatest enemies of men in the church, in my opinion.

     God's vision for men is corporate unity. We are members of the body of Christ and we need each other. How does a man develop that attitude of interdependence on God, family, and other men? He begins early in his teen years through his relationship with his father. His father calls him out to be with him and with other men who are seeking God, loving Him, and serving Him. The young man should learn from his father and other men that his life is not about seeking his own ends, but finding himself in Christ and walking worthy of his calling with other men.

Women do family

     The fourth attitude flows from the other three. If a son thinks life is to be happy and comfortable, that life comes from women he uses, and from seeking his own interests, then it follows that women do family. If when the son asks his father to make a decision he replies with, "Go ask your mom," then feminine leadership in the home is repeatedly reinforced. They may also think dads do work, TV, recreation, and whatever they like.

     Sons need to see their fathers as the leaders in the home and ACTIVE in family. God's word commands fathers to bear the primary responsibility for their children's training (Ephesians 6:4, Deuteronomy 6:7-9). They are to have the hearts of their children (Malachi 4:5-6; Luke 1:17). As the father goes, so goes the family. Sons must be taught their calling as fathers with its responsibilities, privileges, and promises from God's word. Youth directors, schoolteachers, TV, movies, and contemporary music are not going to plant those things in the hearts of young men. They have to be called out of the world's idea of manhood, the natural sinful bent contrary to biblical manhood, and the culture determined to emasculate them. Furthermore they must be called out to manhood as it is revealed in God's Word. The book of Proverbs provides rich examples and direction for this ministry of fathers to sons.

Do you recognize any of these attitudes in yourself?

·         Life is to be happy and comfortable.

·         Life comes from a woman.

·         Men are independent.

·         Women do family.  

     If your father or the heavenly Father didn't call you out from these four attitudes then you probably are still struggling with them. There may still be a little boy in you waiting to be called out. Your family needs you to be called out. My prayer is that this article may be used of the heavenly Father to sound the call, "Come out. Come out, sons of God!" The Father of the Lord Jesus Christ calls his sons to Himself through their other callings in life. To minister effectively to your family, you'll discover you must put off those four attitudes and put on the truth found in God's Word.

Humble yourself before God and family

     If you recognize some or all of these attitudes in yourself, then I encourage you to do something about them. God is opposed to the proud, but He gives grace to the humble. I recommend humbling yourself before your wife and children by telling them about how you came to have these attitudes. Ask their forgiveness where you have caused offense or not fulfilled your responsibilities as a man of God. You might request prayer for grace from God to rise to the calling of biblical manhood.

     In the following articles, we'll discuss the consequences of fathers not calling out sons and helpful insights from God's dealing with His son so we can grow in our calling as fathers. This month, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in building your relationship with your sons and to use you to call them to a relationship with the heavenly Father and into biblical manhood.

Upcoming:

Norm will be at a family camp at Camp Forest Springs. Openings  still available. Go to http://www.campforestsprings.org/familycamps.htm to see the openings and register.

Helpful Resources for Your Family 

    The Spirit and Presence of Christ: Wondrous Gifts for the Father's Pleasure  

    This book is an excellent resource for your family in thinking more about the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit's role in your life. The author is a very close friend of mine, Jerry White, who has been a spiritual mentor to me for many years. The book is available on our website here.

Would you like to be on the Elijah Ministries Prayer Team?

    The backbone of Elijah Ministries is the prayer team who pray diligently for God to turn the hearts of men to Himself, their wives, and their children. Before I leave to speak, I send out a prayer team invitation to those who will intercede for God to work for His glory in us as a team for the Kingdom. Not only is it a blessing to those whom I speak and myself; but it is also a reminder to the team about the direction of their own hearts. If you would like to enter into the labor together with me, you may go to my website and click on "Prayer Team".

    If you haven't visited our website, www.spiritofelijah.com, please stop by sometime. You'll find:

*   Resources to equip you and your family

*   Previous Chariot articles

*   Norm's speaking schedule

*   Free MP3 downloads  

*   Various pages translated and available in Spanish  

*   An online store to purchase resources and make tax-free contributions by credit card