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Chariot
May 2007 -
Norm Wakefield Equipping Men and Rising to the Call audio sets are on sale for only $10. All DVD sets are 25-30% on sale on our website now. You can find them here. The
Affirmation of Daughters - Part 4
My daughters are 31, 29, and 23 now. Abby and Alyssa are married with children, and Amanda still lives with us. One of the lessons of these last few years has been the realization that my affirmation of godly womanhood is still necessary and desired. I'm not sure why, but I thought when my daughters got married, my job as a father was completed. Even as I write that last sentence, it sounds incredulous that I would think such a thing, but I did.
The
privilege of affirming godly womanhood in daughters never ends. Things I
thought were settled in their hearts before they left home have needed
reaffirmation as they face the spiritual battles of adulthood. Perhaps
now, more than ever, they still need my love, acceptance, and affirmation.
Life is considerably more complicated for them (and me) than when they
were under my roof, and I must walk a fine line between continuing to
affirm them without rejecting them or appearing to them as if I want to
control their lives when I see things about their lives that I think are
hindering their witness or my testimony as a father. My
relationship with my daughters has never been better and continues to
deepen. When they married, I relinquished all jurisdictional
responsibilities to their husbands as God's Word directs. Recognizing I no
longer have authority to tell my daughters how they should live (unless
they ask my opinion) has deepened my prayer life and provided more
opportunities to trust God than when they were at home.
The
previous five suggestions for affirming godly womanhood in daughters are
in the Chariot of Fire articles at www.spiritofelijah/chariot.
Hopefully
you've made application and are taking steps to implement these
suggestions. The next suggestion for affirming godly womanhood in
daughters begins at their new birth in Christ and may be continued
throughout their lives. Because of its great importance, I'm dedicating
this entire article to this vital ministry to daughters.
Ever
since my daughters were born again by God's Spirit, I sought to follow
John the Baptist's example. He said, "He (Jesus) must increase and I must
decrease." By the Holy Spirit's guidance, I have led them to seek their
heavenly Father's approval more than mine, lest I encourage a spirit of
idolatry in them toward me. When they are young and a relationship with
Christ hasn't begun, fathers must play a more active role in guiding and
disciplining a daughter. However, the goal with a young daughter is still
the same as for an older daughter: lead them to draw near to Christ and
relate to Him as Lord of life. Fathers are merely the forerunners for
Christ. Fathers can err on two sides when it comes to their responsibilities to affirm womanhood for their daughters. On one hand they can be passive and uninvolved in the lives of their daughters. Many fathers leave their daughters to their wives, expecting their daughters to find their identity as women from their mothers. When a fathers don't know what to do, are too busy pursuing a career, or are afraid of failure or rejection with regard to fathering a daughter, they usually leave the definition of womanhood to the young men who want to use their daughters. Daughters are designed to look to a father for affirmation of womanhood. But when fathers aren't there or are uninterested, the most interested boy will suffice. If daughters are tempted to idolize their dads, the temptation to idolize another man who gives them attention may be overwhelming. God only knows how many fathers have abdicated their God-given responsibility to affirm their daughters. In so doing, those fathers allow another man to become "god" to their daughters. Will they encourage the girls they want to use for their selfish desires to seek their identity and security in a relationship with God in Christ? The chances are slim to nil. What's a mother to do when her husband is absent or passive? As her husband's helpmeet, she points her daughter to find her identity in Christ rather than in men. From her own life example she can testify to the security that a woman finds in her relationship with God in Christ. In leading her daughter to her heavenly Father, God may reveal Himself to her in a powerful way connecting her to Himself and providing what she so desperately needs from a father.
Father,
have you fallen into the passive ditch? I encourage you to show your love
and devotion to Christ by leading your daughter to find her identity and
security in a relationship with God in Jesus Christ. You do this by
example as you demonstrate your daily devotion, love for God's Word, and
humility as you walk in submission to the Holy Spirit. Additionally, you
teach her to do the same each day as she copes with life's circumstances
and relationships. Share this vision with her and point her to Christ. But
beware of falling into another ditch. The second way a father may err in affirming womanhood for his daughter is by leading her to find her identity and security in having a good reputation based on living by standards. I've seen many fall headlong in to this ditch and take their entire family with them! You'll notice my approach to affirming womanhood is not one of a set of rules or guidelines for your daughters to perform. One of the major parenting mistakes I've observed is this: fathers attempting to get their daughters (or sons) to live by "godly standards". Not that standards of behavior and character are not important, but apart from relationship with Christ, they generally lead to pharisaism and pride. Additionally, without realizing it, fathers may communicate rejection of their daughter's personhood and personality and set themselves up as "god" in their lives. When a daughter feels she is only acceptable and lovable to her father when she lives by his guidelines–regardless of how right those guidelines are–instead of feeling loved, she feels controlled and rejected. Once a daughter has been born again by God's Spirit a father should teach her about the Holy Spirit's lordship. If he continues to place himself as "lord", she may feel manipulated and controlled by her father. If the only time she gets her father's approval is when she allows him to control her life, she will experience a deep internal conflict.
Let
me explain why I say these things. The Holy Spirit must be Lord of her
life if there is to be internal freedom. Think about what the apostle Paul
wrote to the Corinthians. Now
the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is
liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the
glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to
glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:17-18 NASB). With all due respect for the translators of the NASB and acknowledging that what is said in verse 17 is true, I would like to suggest another rendering of verse 17. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit is Lord, there is liberty." The reason I think this is what Paul had in mind is that the context supports it, maybe even demands it. Notice he begins by stating the Lord is the Spirit, and then again in verse 18 says the Spirit and the Lord are one in the same. Paul was contrasting Jews who live by the Law and those who turn to the Lord. Once a person turns to the Lord, the Spirit isn't only present ("where the Spirit of the Lord is"); the Holy Spirit is the Lord. Paul's point is this: when a person lives under the lordship of the Holy Spirit, internal liberty and transformation occur.
We
want this experience for our children, don't we? Do we really want them
living by our guidelines once they come to Christ? Unknowingly, I think
many fathers and daughters get caught in the devil's scheme of destruction
through a spirit of idolatry, control, and rejection. Let me illustrate
what I mean by using a fictional father and daughter relationship. Tom loves his seventeen-year-old daughter, Cara, greatly and wishes for her to be a testimony of purity, modesty, and submission. His goal for his daughter to practice all the qualities listed in Titus 2 for young women is commendable. Tom sincerely has good intentions toward Cara and would say he desires and prays for God to make him a blessing to her. However, without realizing what he is doing or the powerful effect he has on his daughter, Tom expresses displeasure, withholds affection or notice, and criticizes Cara anytime she doesn't display those standards. At times knowingly or unknowingly, he rewards her when she pleases him and expresses rejection when she doesn't. For years, Cara has been controlled by her father's rejection and approval. The sense of shame and fear she experiences is deep and destructive. Her father tells her that if she really honors him, she will obey him, dress the way he wants, fix her hair the way he likes it, go where he wants her to go, and do what he desires each day. In most, if not all of the areas of her life, Cara would say her dad holds the keys of control.
What
worked when she was a little girl became destructive once she turned to
the Lord. Because she was used to complying with whatever her father said,
she didn't need to listen to the Holy Spirit, become sensitive to His
pleasure and displeasure, and find her identity and security in Christ.
Her father's lordship controlled her life. Although Tom said he wanted her
to follow Jesus, his relationship with her communicated another message:
To obey and think like he did is the same as obeying and thinking like
Jesus. If all there is to life is following a set of standards and having
a good outward appearance and reputation, then Tom's idea of honor might
have some merit, but that's not life. Satan's scheme is antichrist, with
anti meaning in the place of Christ. Without realizing it, Tom places
himself in Jesus' place when he demands conformity to his standards.
Do
you see the scheme of the evil one in this relationship? Although it is
right for Tom to teach Cara honor and obedience to parents, what happens
if Cara has different thoughts than her father on an issue? What if Cara's
immaturity blinds her to the wisdom of a particular decision? If Tom
shames or rejects Cara for their differences and doesn't lead her to the
Holy Spirit as Lord in her life, he sets himself up as "lord" instead.
Then Cara doesn't experience freedom when she thinks about doing what her
father wishes. Deep inside she knows the Holy Spirit is pleased if she
obeys her father (because the Bible tells her to do so in Ephesians 4).
She may even suspect her father to be right on an issue, however, she
wonders why she doesn't feel freedom and joy in complying.
Furthermore,
Cara feels rejected, ashamed, and fearful she isn't unconditionally loved
by her father. Once these thoughts find a home in Cara, she begins to look
for signs that her father indeed rejects her, is ashamed of her, and doesn't
love her. She may unwittingly test him by resisting him or expressing
different thoughts on a subject than her father. If Tom fails to realize
the issue isn't his own reputation and self-worth as a father derived from
his daughter treating him as "lord", he may provide Cara plenty of proof
that her suspicions are well founded. She eventually concludes her father
is more concerned about his reputation and standards than he is about her
as a person. Her heart is deeply hurt by the hypocrisy and lack of love
she so desperately needs and longs for from her father.
The
devil's scheme is working: Cara treasures her father's approval more than
God's approval. He becomes her idol, having the power to control her life
by granting or denying approval. She becomes his idol in that his
happiness, reputation, and self-approval as a father are derived from her
granting or denying conformity to his thoughts and standards. The noose
tightens around the neck of the relationship–choking off the flow of
love.
Why
does God allow the devil to destroy like this? I believe it is for their
good and sanctification. Consider why I believe this to be so. The love
principle is this: love cannot flow where idolatry exists because love
only comes from and through God, the Holy Spirit. Where He is Lord, love
freely flows (Read my book Equipped to Love for more insight into this
principle). What if God sees the spirit of idolatry in Tom and Cara? If
they are His, He must expose it, cleanse it, and liberate them. Blindness
on an issue in either Tom or Cara exposes the idolatrous scheme and the
destruction of the evil one in their relationship.
Sometimes
differences are necessary for love to be demonstrated. Paul wrote the
Corinthians, "I hear that divisions exist among you; and in part I believe
it. For there must also be factions among you, so that those who are
approved may become evident among you" (1 Corinthians 11:18-19). Paul's
point is this: the ones who have been approved by God will love through
the differences and factions. Why? Because they find their approval in
God, not in others. In Tom and Cara's case, love will not flow until both
repent and turn back to the Lord, the Spirit! From God's point of view
then, a conflict or difference may be necessary so real love may be
experienced between them.
It
is rare for someone to realize the hand of God in conflict. Usually father
and daughter go toe-to-toe, accusations fly, shame and fear envelope the
relationship, and they reach an impasse. All it takes is one party
refusing to humble themselves and demanding to control the situation to
keep the relationship in a tailspin into the mire of irreconcilable
differences.
The
father feels he's losing control of his daughter (and his reputation) as
she displays attitudes or actions contrary to his own. Most fathers in
such cases increase the control by adding more laws and threats. The
temptation to manipulate becomes overwhelming. How right it seems to carve
with one of these tools.
How does a daughter react to the efforts of the father to regain
control? The daughter feels she's losing control of something holy, her
personhood and identity. She perhaps feels an intense conflict: on one
hand if she complies merely out of obedience, she feels controlled like a
puppet; and on the other hand if she doesn't comply, the guilt and shame
smother her soul. It's a lose-lose situation.
As
these dynamics continue, the hopelessness each feels about the
relationship and reconciliation builds. Father and daughter drift apart as
distrust, disappointment, unforgiveness, and bitterness find a nest in
their souls. Usually a time comes when the daughter can't take the
conflict any longer, refuses to talk, and/or leaves the home at the
earliest opportunity. Every attempt to resolve the relationship ends in
further catastrophe because one of the two, if not both, demand to be "lord".
If
Tom released Cara to the Lord and led her to Him for guidance, the
dynamics would be totally different. She may for a time adopt a standard
different from her father on a particular issue and he have to suffer some
embarrassment, slander, and rejection from his peers. However, if he
humbly submits himself to Jesus as Lord of his life, seeks to find his
identity and security in Christ, and encourages Cara to follow the Holy
Spirit, she will experience the love of God through him.
This
doesn't mean he can't speak truth to his daughter. He can and he must, but
the purpose of doing so is to encourage her to relate primarily to the
Lord, not to him. In this way, Cara learns that the heavenly Father's love
is unconditional and is patient. As Tom loves and accepts Cara through
their differences with an undeniable trust in God with his own reputation
and a faith in God to do the work in Cara, she learns about herself, the
Holy Spirit, and the Father's love.
Although my life example involves a daughter living at home, I
opened this article talking about my relationship with my married
daughters. I've discovered I still have the power to bless my married
daughters by the way I relate to them and encourage them in their
relationship with the Holy Spirit. It's so easy to make them feel
obligated to me rather than encouraging them to please the Lord and their
husbands. This is especially true if they have adopted certain views or
practices different from when they were in my home. If a father isn't
careful he may place a wedge between his daughter and her husband or
between he and his daughter.
When
a father intrudes into the affairs of his married daughter to get her to
seek his approval, he makes his daughter choose between him and her
husband. No daughter wants to be put in this position. Again, it is a
lose-lose situation for her. She desperately wants the acceptance of both
her father and her husband. But forced to choose between the two, in most
cases her husband will get the nod–and he should! The more the father
makes his opinions and desires known, the more he damages the
relationship.
What
have I done when my married daughters (and their husbands) do things with
which I disagree or prefer they wouldn't do? I've chosen to continue to
lead them to find their identity and security in their relationship with
God in Christ rather than try to get them to conform to my preferences or
standards. Making them accountable to me interferes with both the Holy
Spirit and their husband's place in their lives.
I
want to be clear about something: the Scriptures give no authority to
fathers over their married daughters (or sons). They are to leave and
cleave to each other, and we as parents should continue our ministry of
leading them to find their new married identity in their relationship with
Jesus Christ. Even Jesus reproved his mother when she put pressure on him
to do something at the wedding in Cana. Mary was out of line with her
adult son, and he told her so. His allegiance was to His Father and not to
her. She had put Jesus into the position of having to choose between his
mother and His heavenly Father. When we have differences with our married
daughters, we set them aside, trust them to our heavenly Father, and
encourage them to follow the Holy Spirit as best they know.
Here's
what I've said: when you lead your daughter to find her identity and
security in her relationship with God through Jesus Christ, you are
leading her to the Holy Spirit as Lord. You are also demonstrating that
you trust the Lord with your own reputation and life. You can love your
daughter, speak the truth to her, and not control her life. Desiring the
Holy Spirit's lordship in your daughter's life should be your highest goal
for her. All the issues of life flow from her relationship with God. Love
cannot flow in your relationship unless your relationship is
idolatry-free.
I
don't know a father and daughter who can't relate to Tom and Cara. Dealing
with the spirit of idolatry and control are common temptations for us all.
Here are some questions you might ask yourself. Are you leading your
daughter (your wife or son also) to turn to the Lord, the Holy Spirit,
instead of yourself? Have you demanded that you be "lord" of her life? If
you're not sure, I encourage you to ask her. Perhaps you can read this
article together and invite her honest response.
I
close this article with these additional suggestions for application. May
God guide you by His Spirit as you affirm your wife and daughter in
Christ. Would
you like to be on the Elijah Ministries Prayer Team? The backbone of Elijah Ministries is the prayer team who
pray diligently for God to turn the hearts of men to Himself, their
wives, and their children. Before I leave to speak, I send out a prayer
team invitation to those who will intercede for God to work for His
glory in us as a team for the Kingdom. Not only is it a blessing to
those whom I speak and myself; but it is also a reminder to the team
about the direction of their own hearts. If you would like to enter into
the labor together with me, you may go to my website and click on "Prayer
Team".
If you haven't visited our website, www.spiritofelijah.com,
please stop by sometime. You'll find: * Resources to equip you and your family * Previous Chariot articles * Norm's speaking schedule *
Free MP3 downloads * Various pages translated and available in Spanish * An online store to purchase resources and make tax-free contributions by credit card
The article above is a part of the Equipping Men series. The series is available on both audio cassette, CD, VHS and DVD. This and other resources, including all past issues of the Chariot, are available at http://www.spiritofelijah.com.
I invite you to be a part of the
moving of the Spirit of Elijah in your church, community, and the world.
How?
1.
Send this article to other men or families that you know would
benefit from it. You might inform them of the previous articles
available on-line at our website.
2.
Share resources from the Spirit of Elijah Ministries with others.
If Equipping Men or Rising to the
Call have been a blessing to you, then you know it will be
beneficial to others. Either share your resources, tell them about the
resources, or purchase a set or two as an investment in their lives. 3. Share with others what you have learned and put into practice in turning your heart to God, your wife, and your children. If God has done this in you, then He wants to affect others through you.
4.
Join the Elijah Ministries email prayer team and make
intercession for others that their hearts would be turned in revival to
the Lord, their wives, and their children. This can be done on-line at www.spiritofelijah.com.
Norm
Wakefield 05.07
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