Dear Friends,

I hope you are well and enjoying the grace and mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ. Just before beginning this newsletter, I was meditating on the fact that those who know Christ will never die, but live forever -- straight from the mouth of Jesus. How near the kingdom of heaven is to us who know Jesus! We live, move, and have our existence in Him. I hope you'll pause for a moment and consider the wonder of the fact that the presence of God is filling the space around you and in you. You can't see Him, but He sees you and is there to make His presence known to all who seek Him. When I think of these things, my heart is filled with "joy inexpressible and full of glory" as the Apostle Peter described in his epistle.

Coming Articles

This fall my intention is to give you men an encouragement regarding being relational husbands and fathers. This month I will introduce the subject and take a look at why being relational is so important. Then later this fall, we'll consider ways we can grow in this area of life. I hope you'll find these articles practical, hopeful, and helpful. Would you join me in this ministry of reaching the hearts of men and turning their hearts to God, their wives, and their children? If you know of anyone else who might benefit from reading these articles, please pass them on to them.

I would covet your prayers for me and for the families to whom I'll minister this fall. If you are in the area and would like to attend one of the retreats, I'm sure you could contact the person listed below and he would give you information.

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F E A T U R E   A R T I C L E
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A Relational Husband and Father

Since the glory of men is their wives, it is of great importance for a man to discover God's way for him to love his wife. Additionally, since the glory of a man is also his children, it is equally as important for him to know God's way to love his children. 
Through the past eighteen years of ministry to men and their families either as a pastor or in the home schooling community, I have found wives to be valuable aids in learning what ministers to them. When I want to know how to equip men, there's no better resource than the wives. They know what their children are longing for and needing. They also seem more at liberty to share with me what they need as women. What I have heard from wives has inspired me to encourage men to address this vital issue of men being relational.

      In this article, I want to first state a common problem we men have and state why I think we have it. Next month, I hope to provide what I believe to be a biblical answer to the problem that will transform our lives, impact generations, and cause your wife to rejoice before God that she has you as her husband and the father of her children!

Our Wives Need Relational Husbands

Wives and children need husbands and fathers who are relational, emotionally and practically involved, and with hearts turned toward them more than their work, ministry, and recreation. From the perspective of us men, we need to be relational in order to have a clear conscience before them and before God.
      Frequently I hear wives express their desire to share their hearts and lives with their husbands and to have them reciprocate. Sometimes they'll even make a request: Can you help my husband relate to me and to the children?

      One mom's experience illustrates the need and accentuates the problem. She commented that her husband goes to these Christian men's events and returns with new ideas and visions for the family, but the weight of implementation falls on her! The husband lays out the new things he's learned, expects her to snap into step to get it done. Then he returns to his unrelational, independent, self-centered, emotionally-uninvolved-with-the- family lifestyle. What do you think she felt about her husband going to these Christian men's events? She, like many, is not impressed if there is no growth in this area of relating to the most important people in his life.

      Phil Lancaster, in an article of issue #41 of Patriarch Magazine, described a problem that often occurs between husbands and wives.

"Being project-oriented, men tend to revel in the challenge of winning a wife. Before marriage a man is focused, determined, moving toward a goal. He works hard to please his woman, to meet her needs, to show his love for her. The goal is to get her to the altar and to the marriage bed. Once that task is completed, that goal met, he tends to think to himself (however unconsciously), 'Good, now I've got a wife. Let's get on with the rest of life.' And he starts looking for his next challenge: finishing school, advancing in his career, building a house, and improving his racquetball game. The woman who was so much an object of his attention during their courtship tends to be taken for granted. He still loves her. After all, look how hard he is working to provide a home and other material things for her. But she is no longer his preoccupation. Combine this with the fact that he is often clueless when it comes to the emotional and relational side of life -- and that this is exactly what is most important to his wife -- and you have a recipe for some significant problems" (p. 14).

      Ken Nair in Discovering the Mind of a Woman, defines a litmus test of sensitivity for how you relate to your wife:

"How do you know if you are relating sensitively to your wife? He says, "Very simple. If your wife is unpleasant, difficult to live with, and frequently depressed and moody; then you are not ministering to her spirit. If you wife is pleasant, easy to live with, and able to handle the stresses of life confidently, then you are in all likelihood ministering to the needs of her spirit" (Pg. 119).

      If women and children have a need for a relational husband and father, then our learning how to be more relational can only result in a blessing for everyone involved.

Why is this a problem?

Do most men fall short in this area of their relationships because they don't want to be relational? I don't think they realize what's happening. It's not a typical strength of a man to value relating to others. We're more task-oriented -- thinking about providing and protecting -- as opposed to being sensitive to the emotional and spiritual needs of others.

      Not only is the problem related to our "hard-wiring", but perhaps we are less relational because of a lack of training and equipping in our childhood and teen years. Many of us men were not equipped by our fathers to understand a woman's needs as the weaker vessel. Also, we may not understand how desperately our children need fathers who are relational, emotionally involved, who share our hearts with them, and know how to minister to their hearts. If you are familiar with my series Equipping Men, then you understand what I mean when I say, it's another consequence of not being called out by our fathers and prepared for marriage and fatherhood. If our father's didn't demonstrate it, then the next generation of husbands/fathers enter marriage and family with a millstone around their necks.

      Additionally, I've found that we men don't realize that we have a different idea of "love" from our wives and children. Doug Wilson expressed this distinction in his book "Reforming Marriage". Men tend to define love as this: Not causing my wife and family trouble. Women and children define it as this: What trouble are you willing to go to for me? This idea of love is closer to God's kind of love, isn't it? We see the love of Christ, not in what trouble he doesn't cause us, but by the trouble he was willing to endure for us. More than likely our idea of relating is not the same as our wives'.

      Another reason I think we men may not be motivated to work on our relational skills is that we may not see how this need relates to the presentation of the gospel message. How does the gospel relate to family relationships? I will explain this in the next issue, but for now, you might make this a matter of meditation and discussion in your family times.

What do I mean by relational?

When women talk about being relational, they usually are talking about someone who cares for their hearts -- their emotional and spiritual needs. They desire for someone to care enough to give the time and energy necessary to hear their heart concerns like God does with His children. Usually this will involve the skill of undistracted, patient listening. Women can sense when their husbands are anxious to rush on to the next task.

      Being vulnerable and open about your life -- sharing your life -- and inviting the same from your family members reveals another aspect of being relational. Not only do family members want us to listen, but they also want to know that they are welcome in our world. If we never share anything about our lives, thoughts, dreams, fears, challenges, and failures, they don't feel attached to us.

      Women also need for their husbands to understand their individual designs. I'm sure you recognize that God has wired your wife in ways quite different from you. When we consider growing as relational husbands and fathers, it is important for us to take into consideration that God has made each family member a unique creature. You want to learn how to relate to your wife and children according to how they are designed. Expecting them to be, think, and live like you do is selfish and unrelational.

      The last thing I mean when I speak of being relational, has to do with applying the gospel to each relationship. When you step out of your work-world, home care responsibilities, and hobbies to demonstrate the longing for personal relationship that the gospel promises in Christ, you are being relational. This should motivate you the most. As wives and children see your longing for personal relationship, they will have a deeper understanding of God's desire to be relational with them.

How relational are you?

We can all grow in this area. Some men are by design more relational than others. The same is true for women. Between now and the next issue of A Chariot of Fire, perhaps you could dedicate a few evenings to discussing some of these things. You might ask your wives and children what they think it means to be relational. Your wife may not agree with the four things I mentioned above about relating. What is important is what she thinks, not what I think!

      I hope this will stimulate your thinking along these lines. Next month we'll address each of the four ways mentioned above in a more practical way as we answer the question: How can we be more relational as husbands and fathers? Until then, may God fill you with His Spirit and lead you as you represent Him to your wives and children.

            Norm Wakefield
            Elijah Ministries
            PO 377
            Bulverde, Texas 78163
            www.spiritofelijah.com