Becoming a Relational Husband and Father

In the last article of A Chariot of Fire I introduced the need for men to become more relational with their wives and children. Often, we men are out of touch with how unrelational we are. It's not uncommon to hear of a wife who feels quite alone in life because her husband doesn't communicate with her. Usually, the husband of that wife thinks he's doing quite well in relating to his wife. How can this be?

      I'm reminded of something I read in Reforming Marriage by Douglas Wilson. He mentioned a remark by C.S. Lewis that "women tend to think of love as taking trouble for others (which is much closer to the biblical definition), while men tend to think of love as not giving trouble to others." Most women want to know their husbands are willing and committed to taking the trouble to be relational. They know it's an effort on our part to stop our work, sit down with them, and relate. It's one of the many ways we love them. How can we grow in our relational skills as husbands and fathers?

Care for Their Hearts

One of the most challenging examples of the heart of a relational father comes from the life of the apostle Paul. In the midst of his defense of his apostleship in 2 Corinthians 11, Paul questioned, "Who is weak without my being weak? Who is led into sin without my intense concern?" (v. 29) The apostle was motivated by a tremendous concern for the hearts of those in his charge. His example gives us a goal at which to aim in our care for our families.

      If we're to be relational husbands and fathers, we need to be encouraged by the Lord's example also. The Lord knows his own and cares about all things going on in our hearts. In 2 Timothy 2:19 we read, "Nevertheless, the firm foundation of God stands, having this seal, 'The Lord knows those who are His.'" I would like to think that Paul was telling his readers that the Lord knows His own in an intimate way, not just that he knows the names of those who are His. God's care for our hearts is also revealed by the apostle John in chapter three, verse 20 in his epistle: "...in whatever our heart condemns us; for God is greater than our heart, and knows all things." That verse reveals that He cares for the condition of our hearts as the Psalmist describes in Psalm 56:8, "Thou hast taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Thy bottle; are they not in Thy book?" God's relationship with us is further characterized in Psalm 139:2-3, "Thou dost know when I sit down and when I rise up; thou dost understand my thought from afar. Thou dost scrutinize my path and my lying down, and art intimately acquainted with all my ways."

      What wonderful examples of being relational! God's care for the condition of our hearts is one of the many reasons we love Him. That's why our wives and children should love us, also. Our care for their hearts should be obvious by our attentiveness to the events in their lives and the impact of those events on their hearts.

Practical Suggestions

I wish all the men who are reading this article were sitting together in a room so we could pool our ideas. I'm sure many of you have been led of the Lord to show in practical ways that you care for the hearts of your wives and children. Maybe you can get together with a small group of men in your church and gather some ideas that will make you a better relational husband and father. I'll contribute some ideas I've tried and heard from others.

      These ideas may seem too simple, but sometimes the most obvious suggestions are overlooked. When you walk in from work, go to your wife, give her an expression of love and affection, then ask her about her day (with undivided attention); you are caring about her heart. When you then go to your children, sit down with them, and ask about their day; again you're being relational. Such actions encourage them that they are more important than the task in the garage, emails on the computer, or your personal recreation.

      Asking questions is also a powerful way to express relationship. I guess by now you've realized that guys and girls are wired differently. One of the differences is in the area of asking questions. Did you know that most women are hurt when their husband does not, through conversation, show that he is interested in her? If he lets her ask conversational questions, or if he asks conversational questions, it proves to her that he is interested in the details of her life. It's hard for us to realize the importance of this. Here's an example Ken Nair used in his book, Discovering the Mind of a Woman.

Wife: "I've got to go to the doctor today."

Husband: "So, go."

Wife:      On her return from the doctor's visit, she walks up to her husband who's polishing his motorcycle. She hopes her husband will ask something like, "So what did the doctor say?" But he ignores her and keeps on with his task. She goes into the house hurt. After a while she returns to give him a second chance.

Wife:      In a light musical tone, "I'm home."

Husband:      Engrossed in his task, "Maybe you think I'm blind?" (He was bothered by all the interruptions.)

Wife:      Losing control says angrily, "I don't think you love me. I don't think you've ever loved me!"

      What was the wife looking for? A relational husband -- one that asks conversational questions and shows he cares about her life. Can you relate? Next time your wife returns from being away from you, ask her one of those conversational questions like: "So, how did you feel about your trip?" Sit down as you ask it and watch her emotional tank fill up as she shares.

      Here's another important suggestion: don't ignore a troubled soul. Anytime you see the souls of your wife or children troubled, and you stop what you're doing, inquire to get understanding, show compassion, and then encourage, you're being relational. If you want to grow in relating to your family, pay attention to their eyes. Perhaps you've heard that the eyes of a person reveal the condition of the heart. When your wife's and children's eyes dodge a loving look from you, there's trouble brewing within. 

      How do you handle emotional storms like this? First, turn your own heart to the Lord and consider the reality of your union with Christ. He's seated on the throne of the universe and is at perfect peace. Enter into that peace before confronting the storm. Once your own heart is at peace, believing God has control of the situation and has a purpose for the storm, you're ready to be relational. Notice that your being a relational husband/father flows out of your being relational with the Lord Jesus. With your heart fixed on Jesus, ask the Holy Spirit to communicate His peace through your face and eyes as you sit down and come face to face with the storm in the soul of your wife or child. Rest in Christ as you encourage them to look into the peace of Jesus through your eyes. Pray for them as you look into their eyes and communicate the peace and love of Christ. Then listen to them and to the Holy Spirit's guidance. Such love and peace will communicate your desire for relationship and a supernatural care for their hearts.

      Most wives want to know that their husbands' hearts are turned to them above other things and other relationships. If they aren't, the wives may feel hurt and rejected. Over a long time, this may become a source of deep resentment. I don't think there's a man alive that doesn't have to battle to keep his heart turned to his wife and children above his work. We were made to work and commanded to work by the Lord, but when we become workaholics, our relationships suffer at home. This is not news to you, is it? However, I've found it's one of those things about which we need encouragement day after day.

Give the Next Generation an Example to Follow

The next generation won't know to be relational, much less know how to do it if they don't see their fathers turning their hearts toward God, their wives, and their children. As we care for our family members' hearts each day, our children will be better prepared for the days when they are married and are parents. You'll need to teach your children what you are doing and show them the hope that comes from learning how to be relational. How does it make them feel when you are relational? Their hope in learning it themselves now is that they will be able to bless their children in the same way.

      In this article, we've only discussed one of four ways we can improve our relational skills. Let me encourage you to have some family times together this month talking about how each of you can show to others that you care for their hearts. Perhaps you all might spend a week gathering ideas about building good relationships from friends. Then pool those ideas at a family meeting for implementation the next week.

      Next month, we'll focus our attention on the idea of sharing our lives with our wives and children as another aspect of being relational husbands and fathers. Until then, may the Lord Jesus teach us all how we may relate to those we love like He does to us.

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T H E   S P I R I T   O F
E L I J A H   M I N I S T R I E S   N E W S
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CHEA of South Korea

We have an extraordinary opportunity this December 16-20 in Seoul, South Korea. I will be teaming up with Brad Voeller of Global Learning Strategies and an organization in South Korea to begin a Christian Home Education Association. Brad will share with pastors and 50 pilot families about home schooling through college while I give the blueprint from God's Word on how parents may disciple their children and teens for the kingdom of God. Please pray for us, as well as the pastors and families, as we make preparations for this four-day conference.

A Channel of God's Provision

We have been incredibly encouraged these past two months, as the Lord has provided for our financial needs for the ministry. God has moved on the hearts of people to support the ministry financially just when we were in need. If God has given you extra funds to direct into the work of the kingdom of God, would you pray about being a channel of God's provision to The Spirit of Elijah Ministries through a one time gift or on a regular basis?

      Thank you for praying for our health and recovery. Alma continues to recover nicely after the removal of a benign brain tumor in January. We're grateful to God for the strength He has given and the absence of many symptoms that usually accompany such a traumatic surgery. There are no significant signs of damage to the facial nerves as a result of the surgery, and feeling continues to improve on the left side of her head. I have recovered from a life-threatening bacterial infection in September that hospitalized me for five days. The Lord used that time to speak to my heart regarding His kingdom, an eternal perspective on life, and the truth that we are but a "breath." My strength has returned to a degree I haven't experienced in months. Please pray that God will protect our family health-wise as we seek to make the most of our days given us by the Lord here on earth.

      May the Spirit of Elijah advance through us in our communities, churches, and in our country. Let's turn our hearts to God and to our families.

            Norm Wakefield
            Elijah Ministries
            PO 377
            Bulverde, Texas 78163
            www.spiritofelijah.com