Chariot of Fire -11-

Becoming a Relational Husband and Father

In the past two articles of The Chariot I have been focusing on how to become more relational as husbands and fathers. I hope you've been working on caring for the hearts of your family, which was the topic of last month's article. I would love to hear some practical steps the Holy Spirit has led you to take in order to show your wives and children that you care for their hearts. This month, we want to consider a second way to become more relational -- sharing your lives with them. What would your wives and children say about your openness to them?

"I don't feel like I really know my husband, and I've lived with him for over twenty years," remarks a wife. A daughter in her early twenties confides about her father, "My father talked about God, but he never really shared his spiritual life with us. There's not been any evidence that he's had one. My mother has done all of the discipling in our home." How do these comments strike you?

They illustrate for us the importance of men knowing how to relate to their wives and children. It's difficult for a wife to open her heart to a man she doesn't feel she can trust. And how can she trust someone she doesn't feel that she knows? In the case of a child, how does a child turn his or her heart to a father who seems distant and closed? Becoming a relational father requires more than just caring for the hearts of our wife and children, it also involves...

Share about your life

Being vulnerable and open about your life and inviting the same from your family members is an important part of being relational. As Jesus is to His bride, so are we to be to our wives. Listen to what he said to the disciples one day. "No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you" (John 15:15).

I wonder if a wife feels like a slave if her husband doesn't share about his life with her. It isn't hard to imagine how insignificant and used a woman might feel whose husband doesn't share his life with her. She works most days to make her husband successful, give him a good name by disciplining and training his children, and strives to take care of many of his daily needs such as food, clothing, and home comforts. She sacrifices her life and often her health to carry out the duties of her calling, but for what? If the only communication she gets from her husband is what she should do next, or how he doesn't like certain things she does or doesn't do, what difference is that from the relationship of a slave to her master?

Share about your spiritual walk

In the same manner that the Lord Jesus shared His life with His heavenly Father with his disciples, so should we with our wives and children. Do you let your wife and children in on what God is teaching you about Himself and about life? As we men talk naturally and openly about our relationship with God, our family is encouraged that we are leading them down the right path. They also develop a deeper trust in God and in us since they feel they know our heart's deepest encounters with God.

One of the most important responsibilities of our calling as husbands and fathers is to make them disciples of Jesus Christ. The great commission in Matthew 28:19-20 is not about evangelism; it's focus is discipleship. "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. " To make disciples of Jesus Christ, a man must first be a disciple. He learns from Jesus and then shares his spiritual life with his wife and children. His teaching them about his relationship with God, his heavenly Father, through Jesus Christ makes him a relational husband and father.

When was the last time you sat down with your wife and shared about what God was teaching you in your quiet time? Consider the impact of opening up that area of your life to your children during family devotions. The thought of it might be convicting, and if so, that's good. Let that be one of your motivations for your relationship with God -- your family is depending on it!

Share about your struggles and trials

As we open up our lives (with discretion) to our wives and children, they learn that we want them to be a part of our lives. It helps them to relate to us -- to know what we're going through. Understanding that daddies have hard times too, need prayer, make mistakes, say they're sorry, make corrections, and are still learning is important to our wives and children.

When we're open and vulnerable, sharing about our temptations and weaknesses, others feel free to open up and share their temptations and weaknesses with us. It makes it okay to struggle, fall, get up, and recover. I think this kind of exchange is emotionally and spiritually healthy.

One Sunday, years ago, a pastor friend asked me to preach for him while he was out of town. After the service, we ate lunch with his wife and family. I noticed the yard hadn't been mowed in his absence, and since we were about the same size, I asked if I could borrow some of his clothes and mow the lawn for him. While I was mowing the lawn, I was flooded with thoughts of abandoning my family, living like the world, and pursuing a course of selfishness. I felt so overwhelmed and tormented most of the afternoon. I wondered where those thoughts came from and was ashamed that I had even thought them.

That evening, as my wife and I were sitting together, I decided to open my life to her and share what I had experienced that afternoon. I asked her to pray for me and assured her that those thoughts were not thoughts I was going to dwell or act upon. Before we prayed, she had something she wanted to confess as well. My openness with my struggle led her to open her life to me in a new and deeper way.

I realized then the importance of my being relational with my family. If I don't share about my struggles and trials, they think that their acceptance with me depends upon their convincing me that they are doing all right. Consequently, as a result of my holding back, they feel compelled to live a lie -- they only let me in on what they think I want to hear. On the other hand, if I am candid about my mistakes and temptations, they take that as an invitation to do the same.

Some of you may be thinking, "When I do open up, I get a lecture or my wife says, 'I told you so.'" Is that what you do when she opens up? Perhaps agreeing to let one another know before you share that you just need to talk and that you don't expect her to try to fix it will be helpful. You might preface your sharing with a statement such as, "Honey, I would like to relate a part of my life to you that I find hard to share. In fact, I'm a little embarrassed about it, but I want you to know me so you can pray for me and encourage me."

Share about your experiences

Although you might think that your wife and children wouldn't be interested in what you did today at work (and they might not be), they need for you to share it because it demonstrates that you want to relate to them. Sometimes we just feel too worn out to take the time to share. When we don't share the experiences of our lives with our wives and children because we're too busy or tired, they learn that other things are more important to us than they are. That hurts. Sometimes that hurt can last for decades.

When a man tells his wife about his life, it speaks volumes to her about his identity. She feels a part of his life and identity, and that goes a long way in filling up her emotional gas tank. Ken Nair, author of Discovering the Mind of a Woman (available as a part of a marriage special from Elijah Ministries), gives some good insight along this line. He comments that a woman visualizes as you share where you are going or what you are doing. For instance, consider this example he gives on page 195.

Wife: Are you going somewhere?

Husband: Yes, to K-mart. (At this point the wife gets a vivid picture of K-mart in her mind. She has mentally joined him on his shopping experience.)

Wife: Why are we going to K-mart?

Husband: To buy some tires. (In her mind she is seeing the tire department.)

Wife: What are we buying tires for? (Mentally, she is in front of a rack of tires).

Husband: For the truck. (Now she has a picture of his dark green truck in her mind).

Wife: What kind of tires are we buying for the truck?

Husband: Whitewalls (Oh, isn't the truck pretty with its new whitewalls, she might be thinking as she stands admiring this picture in her mind, almost as if it is reality.)

Ken continues, "When a woman asks questions, she is expressing "a desire, a need, a craving, to be identified with her husband, to sense that she and her husband are one. He has accepted her into his total confidence, which makes her feel she is valuable to him. Then she feels complete."

I've found this advice to be very helpful because my wife is like the woman in the illustration above. In my ministry, I often travel without Alma because of the need for her to stay with Amanda, our daughter with down's syndrome. One weekend I was in Southern California for a retreat and was on my way down the 405 freeway to the conference center. I usually call Alma upon arriving at the airport or as soon as I can to let her know of my safe travel and what is about to happen to me. This particular instance, I was at what's called the El Toro Y, where the 405 and 5 freeways meet. As I described where I was (a place familiar to her since we used to live in this area), I knew that she could visualize where I was and that it invited her to be with me even though she was 1200 miles away.

If you have a cell phone, like many men do, you may now have a new reason for having it (or getting one!) Whether you are running errands in town, going on your way to a business meeting, or coaching your child's sports team, a quick call to your wife to share that experience and to describe the physical surroundings may communicate to her, "I love you, and want you to be a part of my life. I'm so blessed to have you as a friend for life."

Impact the next generation

Consider what impact it would have made in your life had your father trained you during your teen years to sit and share your life with your mother? Just for practice! As I've seen the importance of my being relational with Alma in this way, I've realized how difficult it is. I still struggle with it and have to remind myself by writing articles about it! :-) I don't want my son to be handicapped by a lack of training and preparation in this vital area of relationships, so I've given him a vision for growing in this area by daily sharing his life with his mom. It gives him great practice for marriage as he shares with her about his basketball games, his CLEP tests experiences, about how he feels about his other relationships, and most importantly, about his relationship with God. This has had a tremendous effect on Alma, also. She has grown in her respect for him as he has opened his life to her and has learned to ask her conversational questions. She feels loved and significant, rather than used. So will his wife!

When we men grow in our relational skills and engage our wives and children in the ways we've been discussing, we're impacting generations. They will learn from us and want to be our disciples. May the Lord Jesus guide you by His Spirit as you continue to hone your skills in this vital area of life.

Christmas Special: The Marriage Toolbox

Consider giving a friend or family member a gift that can impact generations for the glory of God. Besides a couples' relationship with God, nothing is more important to the home than their marriage. And of course, the marriage is based on their relationship with God. Because of this, we're putting two Christmas specials together:

For Marriages:Marriage for God's Glory by Norm Wakefield and Discovering the Mind of a Woman by Ken Nair. The two may be purchased for $30 by calling Elijah Ministries.

For Men:Equipping Men and Rising to the Call by Norm Wakefield. The two may be purchased for $50 by calling Elijah Ministries.

CHEA of South Korea

We have an extraordinary opportunity this December 16-20 in Seoul, South Korea. I will be teaming up with Brad Voeller of Global Learning Strategies and an organization in South Korea to begin a Christian Home Education Association. Brad will share with pastors and 50 pilot families about how to home school through to a college degree while I give the blueprint from God's Word on how parents may disciple their children and teens for the kingdom of God. Please pray for us, as well as the pastors and families, as we make preparations for this four day conference.

A Channel of God's Provision

If God has given you extra funds to direct into the work of the kingdom of God, would you pray about being a channel of God's provision to The Spirit of Elijah Ministries through a one time gift or on a regular basis? Your gift is tax-deductible and will be used to further the mission of turning the hearts of men to God, their wives, and their children.

Let us hear from you

I would love to hear from you about how God has led you to become more relational as a husband and father so that I can share your reports with others in the next Chariot. As we pool our ideas, we can encourage one another. :-)

Have a good Thanksgiving!

Norm Wakefield
Elijah Ministries
PO 377
Bulverde, Texas 78163
www.spiritofelijah.com