Becoming a Relational Husband and Father

Last month we considered the importance of sharing our lives with our wives and children as a means of becoming more relational husbands and fathers. I received some helpful suggestions and comments from some of you that I thought I would pass on before we look at a third way we men may improve family relationships.

      One father wrote, "[I] haven't thought enough about sharing with my kiddo's about my relationship with God -- [I] only concentrate on teaching them...This [article in The Chariot] encouraged me to be forthcoming with them about my struggles with prayer, reading the word every day, etc." I hope others have also opened up with their wives and children in this way.

      Another dad, who has ten children, shared some ideas that may stimulate us about how he cares for the hearts of his children. He wrote, "I utilize a principle I learned from Gothard, taken from Numbers, called: 'in the day that ye hear of it.' I utilize that to the hilt. I stay concerned and alert to any and all attitudes, music, concerns, failures, and countenance and simply respond accordingly to it -- to cut off the sin at the pass, to encourage, to spark joy, or remind them of God's principles and promises." This dad has learned how to be attentive to things that reveal what is going on in his children's hearts, hasn't he? I hope this suggestion is helpful.

      Thus far in the last two issues of The Chariot I have stated that you can become a relational husband and father by caring for the hearts of your family and by sharing your life with them. This month let's consider becoming more relational by...

Understanding their individual designs.

Relating to your wife and children according to how they are designed is a vital part of being a relational husband and father. Without realizing it, we men may make the mistake of thinking our wives should think and feel as we do. We may unconsciously expect our wives to be able to function at the same pace, to cope with the unanswered issues of life, and to respond to trials in the same way. However, that rarely takes place!

She is a weaker vessel.

The Apostle Peter wrote to husbands in the first century, "You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered" (I Peter 3:7). The Greek word that the NASB translators rendered "understanding" was the word for "knowledge". Peter encouraged those husbands to dwell with their wives according to knowledge. W.E. Vines notes that frequently this word "ginosko" indicates a relationship between the person and the person or thing known. In this respect, what is known is of value or importance to the one who knows resulting in the establishment of the relationship. And what is it that is valuable knowledge for the husband?

      The wife is not designed like he is! She is a weaker vessel by God's plan. Experience tells us that women are more complex emotionally and physically. God's Word gives further insight from the teaching of the Apostle Paul. I Timothy 2:13-14 indicates the woman has a greater potential perhaps for being taken advantage of as illustrated in Satan's deception of Eve. II Timothy 3:6 mentions the vulnerability of weak women weighed down with sins who are led by various impulses and thus subject to being led astray by men who give a good appearance of knowledge and grace, but lack the substance.

      We might deduce then that what Peter had in mind is that there are times in life when our wives are under the influence of the weakness of their gender; therefore, they may become a cause of conflict and suffering. I've noticed that most wives cannot take the stress level that most men can, so we must relate to them with sensitivity. It is important to know what they are bearing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Additionally, there are times when our wives are dealing with the emotional effects of their hormones and cycle which make our relating to them challenging and sometimes perilous, exposing us to various kinds of suffering for righteousness' sake.

      The point is: We are to know and understand their weakness and take it into account. We must be careful not to exploit that weakness. Instead, we must become experts on our wives' weakness, so we can know how to bless them. The more we live with them according to that important knowledge, the more relational we are becoming. I think the same knowledge would apply when it comes to relating to our daughters, don't you?

      Before I move on, it might be helpful to mention what else Peter thought important. Peter told the husbands that their prayer lives may be affected by the way they conduct themselves in this relationship. If they fail to show value and importance to their wives by understanding their design, their prayers will never get off the ground. That is the idea behind the words Peter used. It portrays a road with huge holes that impede progress. I picture what an invading air force might do to the airfield so that aircraft cannot take off: they pock mark the airstrips with craters. When we do not take into account our wives' different design and our common grace from God, our prayers never get off the ground. And that's critical!

      Have you noticed how the weakness of your wives leads you into prayer? Well at least it should! That is the way to respond in the midst of all suffering: pray for grace. Peter knew that if we did not give our wives honor and assign the value to them that God has given through granting each of us life in Christ, we would not be able to hear Him in the midst of a situation. Then we would not know how to be a blessing.

      It is the eternal perspective that forms the basis for our responses. For the Christian couple God has given both male and female the same grace in Christ even though our vessels have different constitutions. In other words, we husbands are to relate to our wives on the basis of our differences, and we are, additionally, to consider what we have in common: We are both recipients of life in Christ. This truth gives us the basis for approaching God in prayer with an understanding of their weakness. Consequently, we go to God in a situation or trial and ask God to show us how to minister to our wives' weakness with grace. As we practice this concept, we become more relational as husbands.

She may be "wired" differently.

What do I mean by "wired" differently? God as Creator is a God of variety. We notice it in everything He has created. All trees are not the same. There are various designs of cats, dogs, and other animals within a species. Should it surprise us that God has a distinct number of brain designs or "wiring" within the human race?

      The important thing to remember is that God has created human beings to function in different ways by design for His enjoyment and our broadening. To expect everyone to be like us in relating is self-centered and unreasonable. You may have the same relational style, love language, or approach to life as your wife and some of your children. If so, there are some advantages and disadvantages to that. On the other hand, you may be different from your wife and some of your children, and if you are going to be a relational husband and father, you will want to relate to them according to how God has wired them for His pleasure -- and yours!

      How can this be done? By the ministry of the Holy Spirit. God has given us His Spirit so that we consider others as more important than ourselves as we relate to them. When we care enough to understand the similarities and differences of design in our wives and children we are growing in our relational skills.

Whatever it takes!

Although the situation we are discussing is somewhat different from what Paul, the apostle, was addressing in I Corinthians 9, the principle implied may be helpful for husbands, too. He was talking about relating the gospel to people; however, I think his principle applies, since we are talking about relationships. He wrote, 

"And to the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might win Jews; to those who are under the Law, as under the Law, though not being myself under the Law, that I might win those who are under the Law; to those who are without law, as without law, though not being without the law of God but under the law of Christ, that I might win those who are without law. To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, that I may by all means save some" (I Corinthians 9:20-22).

He did whatever he had to do to relate to them without compromising truth and righteousness.

      The love of Christ constrains us to think about other people -- to consider their experiences, their heritage, their education, whatever -- in order to relate to them for the sake of Jesus Christ. When we are mindful of these things about our wives and children as we relate to them, we are becoming more relational as husbands and fathers. I cannot think of any relationships in our lives that are more important to us than the ones we have with our wives and children.

For the sake of the gospel

      Why then should we as Christian husbands and fathers become more relational in these vital life relationships? It is for the sake of Jesus Christ and the gospel! May God use us as relational instruments of blessing in our families so they may know and understand from our examples how to relate to a very relational Heavenly Father. We have been called for that purpose. Let us rise to our calling.

            Norm Wakefield
            Elijah Ministries
            PO 377
            Bulverde, Texas 78163
            www.spiritofelijah.com